You Need a Spot, Bill Clinton? December 29, 2011

Yeah, it’s been 20 months since my last blog post.  You probably thought I died climbing Mt. Olympus while attempting to take my place with the other gods or perhaps you thought I was playing basketball and didn’t realize I had gained so much mass in my calves that a single jump launched me into orbit causing me to hurtle into space for an eternity, Superman II style.  Well, you are wrong.  Both of those things happened, but I didn’t die from either and now that my year and a half hiatus has ended, I’ve returned even more powerful and focused than before!

So today I went to my old gym for the first time since my hiatus to blast my lats because the one thing I learned on Olympus is that you need sweet lats.  Zeus was always going to the other gods, “kiss my lats bitch!” and they’d totally do it because  I must admit, his lats were pretty sweet.  One day he told me, yes ME, to kiss his lats.  I was like, “Bitch, the only thing I’m going to be kissing is your face with the back of my hand!”  Yeah, I know, it didn’t make sense and was kind of gay, but Zeus thought I was crazy, so he backed off.  From then on, we were boys.  We text every now and then, but he prefers to gchat…

Right, back to the gym.  So I was doing my 4th set of bent rows when, out of the corner of my eye, I see this guy walk into the gym.  The sun was hitting the front door, so I could only see his outline and the warm glow of the winter sun behind him.  I thought nothing of it except the figure appeared to be jacked.  Naturally, I wasn’t that impressed since I could just look in the mirror and see jackedness if that’s what I wanted to see.  I banged out 6 more reps of PR weight.  My lats were feeling the pump!

Done with my bent rows, I went to get a drink of water at the fountain (Hydration is important kids).  Bent over at the fountain, I felt someone all up in my space.  Preparing to exchange some harsh words, I stood up and before I could get out a “Step off, bitch”, I saw Bill “Bad Ass” Clinton standing behind me! “Whoa, Bill Clinton?”, I said. In his raspy voice, he was like “I was the dude that came into the gym that you couldn’t take your eyes off of while you were doing your weak ass bent rows…you want to take a picture, it would last longer!”.  Then he added, sarcastically, “Nice lats, bitch!”

Wow, Bill “BA” Clinton punked me!  I was like, “Whoah, first, step off, Bitch! In America, we enjoy personal space…” Then I was like “Second, how did you get all jacked?! Show me the way to ultimate lats!”

Bill responded, “You’re such an assclown, but I have nothing better to do, so whatev…”  Then he added, “Don’t look at me in the eyes!”  I was cool with that.

Bill was wearing gray sweatpants with the tight elastic ankles.  His white socks were pulled over the sweatpants most likely to prevent the sweatpant legs from riding up when he was kicking ass or to show off the sweet yellow and green stripes on the socks.  He had on a gray sweatshirt (a different shade of gray than the sweatpants) that said “Bitches be Crazy!” on it that he probably obtained on one of his diplomatic trips while president.  To top off the look, he was wearing a red headband which made us look pretty sweet together as I had on my rainbow headband (as always).  I think that’s why he took an interest in my lats.

Anyway, he led me to the cable pulldown station and in a matter of fact tone, was like, “cable pulldowns, bitch.”  He proceeded to pull the rack.  I asked him, “Hey Bill, do you need a spot?”  To which he looked at me puzzled and then with his forefinger pressed against his thumb like he does when making a speech, he said, “Bitch, you don’t spot on a cable station…pathetic…”

Bill “Bad Ass” Clinton, you rule!

* Disclaimer – It was not actually Bill Clinton, but the guy looked exactly like him and he responded when I yelled “Hey, Bill!”, but did not respond to my yelping noises.

 

 

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