The Rippedness is Gone? April 24, 2010

So as you are aware, it has been awhile since my last post.  I’ve been away, traveling the world, regulating bitches, and preaching about basking in my reflective glory.

It’s been a fun few months, but then a few days ago, my world was shaken to the core.  You see I was in Baltimore aka the worst place on Earth strolling around the inner harbor when a couple of street toughs approached me with a sack of doorknobs.  I was fully expecting them to inquire about my greatness and how they too could one become as great as me.

To my surprise, one of them was all, “Hey Fatty McButterpants! Do you want a cookie?” and they began to toss double stuff oreo’s in my direction.  The only possible solution was to lift up my shirt, reveal the rippedness and eloquently respond “Does this look fat to you bitch?”

This time the unthinkable happened.  The street tough with the oreos responded, “yes, that does look fat!”

In disbelief I ran over to the water’s edge, shirtless, and peered into the reflection of my non-ripped body.  A single tear ran off my cheek, splashing into the water causing a rippling effect on the image of my non-ripped body as the double stuff oreos rained down from behind.  I was no longer ripped.  Of course, I was not fat like 95% of people, but no longer ripped.  It was a crushing blow.

I sashayed around for hours that night wondering where it all went wrong.  Maybe it was all the restaurants I had eaten at.  Maybe it was the lack of exercise over the past four months.  I couldn’t find the answer so I headed to the CVS and got myself a snickers bar to drown my sorrows.

As I dramatically lifted the snickers to my mouth, out of nowhere a 8 year old came running up to m (in slow motion) yelling, nooooo.  He dove towards me, knocking the snickers out of my hand before I could eat it.  I was like, “wtf, bitch!”  He was all, “you used to be my hero!  I basked in your reflective glory!”  I was like, wow, “that’s f-d up on so many levels”, but the kid got his point across.  Snickers bars are for fatties and so I began to make preparations for the re-rip!

Phase I:  Trim the fat

Phase II: Bulk up

Phase III: Bask in the reflective glory

The quest begins again!  This time it’s going to be Rocky IV style…no mercy!

PS: What I learned from my travels:

Best place on Earth: Boise, Idaho, yes Idaho

Worst place on Earth: Baltimore, Maryland…ugh, you suck…

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One Comments
Fatty Mc Fatty Butterface May 14th, 2010

Your so-called rippedness is an insult to all life forms. I have more rippedness in a thought about doing a situp.

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