Tunacorn (and Loch Ness) are Real! November 21, 2009

It’s hard work being awesome all the time, so this weekend since the weather was nice, I decided to relax and do some fishing at my favorite fishing hole, the Delaware River.

Since I do not have a boat or fishing equipment, I would have to rely on my awesomeness to catch the fish.  I stood on the shore and centered my chi.  Sufficiently centered, I yelled out, “Hey Fish!  I am so much more ripped than you!  Present yourself and bow down to my greatness!”.

Not to my surprise, a few seconds later, the freakin’ Loch Ness monster jumped out of the water.  That bitch was huge.  He was like, “What up?”.

Slightly surprised that I was face to face with the Loch Ness monster, I was all, “I thought you lived in Scotland, not the Delaware River?”

Loch Ness, with surprising foulness retorted, “Bitch, you got all stupid up in here”.

Hearing this, I made a fist and was prepared to punch Loch Ness in the head as he would provide me with protein for years.  Being an environmentalist, I thought I would confirm with Loch Ness before killing him.  I asked, “How much protein does a serving of you contain?”

He was like, “Bitch, like 5 grams”.

Impressed that he knew his own protein content, I let him live.  He flipped me off as he slinked back into the Delaware, but I’m pretty sure he recognized my awesomeness.

That was exciting, but my day wasn’t over.  I needed to get me some protein, so I yelled out, “Hey bitches!  Present yourself!”.  Seconds later, the greatest thing I had ever seen in my life jumped out of the river right next to me.  It was a Tunacorn!  I had heard the legends of the mythical beast, but never actually believed it existed.


He turned to me and said “Good Day to You” in a snooty English accent.  Not wanting to let this one get away, I picked up a discarded milk container from the piles of garbage strewn on the shores of the Delaware River and clocked Tunacorn in the head.  He was like, “Not Cool Old Chap” and then he died.  I immediately gutted him and feasted on the tuna and corn innards.  Mmm…so much protein!

You may not be awesome enough to find your own Tunacorn, but you can replicate the Tunacorn experience with the following recipe:

1) 1 can albacore tuna

2) 1 can corn

3) Open can of tuna, drain

4) Open can of corn, drain

5) Combine into bowl…adding anything else is an insult to the Tunacorn

6) Eat the perfect meal…visually pleasing to the eye, taste buds, and muscles

One Comments
jerseyho January 31st, 2010

bitch, you’re awesome!

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