Pump up the Jam! November 3, 2009

Today was one of those days.  People hassling me at work wanting me to do stuff.  C’mon people, I’m on a quest, I don’t have time for your petty “forms” and ‘procedures”.  When I got home, I was tired and it was squat night.  What was someone on a quest to do??  Sit at home and be a bitch, eating Tootsie Rolls and watching reruns of The Office??  No!  My brain, Santos, was all like, “Don’t be a bitch, bitch!”  I was all, you’re right Santos, I won’t be a bitch tonight and not only that, I’m going to hit a squat PR and then kill you later by huffing glue. 

So it began!  Like a knight heading into battle, I had to equip myself with the right gear to hit the PR.  Phase I, socks, red and yellow striped, pulled up to the knees.  Phase II, gray t-shirt revealling just enough belly button.  Phase III, shorts, crotch lower than legs for ultimate comfort, Phase IV, open closet, look away from blinding light, after 5 seconds, look back towards closet and select headband from headband rack.  Like there is any decision to be made…it has to be the rainbow headband! I was ready for the gym!

I pulled to the gym.  There was one more thing I needed.  I reached into the glove compartment of my car and pulled out a dusty tape titled “CB’s Mix Tape”.  This is what I would need to  put me over the top… Rainbow Headband + Mix Tape = Unstoppable!

As I opened the door to the gym, I noticed a cloud of fog greeted me.  Perhaps they knew today was going to be a special day and rolled out the fog machine.  Strange choice for the gym.  The gym was crowded though, but I didn’t notice.  I was focused on the quest. 

Duran Duran

I went straight to the counter and handed the tape to the gym manager.  “Put this in, bitch!”    Oddly enough, they had a tape deck.  I went straight to the squat rack and put on more weight then I thought was possible.  As I prepared to lift, the most awesome sound ever started blasting on the loud speakers…yes…Duran Duran… Rio.  I was pumped!!  I envisioned myself squatting on a yacht in the riviera wearing a white suit, pink t-shirt, and docksiders…the way squatting should be done.  Apparently, I entered a trance of ultimate pump.  All of a sudden I was on the floor with the weight on top of me surrounded by onlookers.  One guy was like, “you just did 6 reps of gym record weight!  You, sir, are a god among men!”  I looked back at him and had two words…”Duran Duran”… then I added a third…”bitch!”…

David Z. November 11th, 2009

I hate when people mess up my quest with “rules” and “procedures.” Especially the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure.

admin November 13th, 2009

Take your legal jargon elsewhere, commie!!

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