You Need a Spot, Bill Clinton? December 29, 2011 No Comments

Yeah, it’s been 20 months since my last blog post.  You probably thought I died climbing Mt. Olympus while attempting to take my place with the other gods or perhaps you thought I was playing basketball and didn’t realize I had gained so much mass in my calves that a single jump launched me into orbit causing me to hurtle into space for an eternity, Superman II style.  Well, you are wrong.  Both of those things happened, but I didn’t die from either and now that my year and a half hiatus has ended, I’ve returned even more powerful and focused than before!

So today I went to my old gym for the first time since my hiatus to blast my lats because the one thing I learned on Olympus is that you need sweet lats.  Zeus was always going to the other gods, “kiss my lats bitch!” and they’d totally do it because  I must admit, his lats were pretty sweet.  One day he told me, yes ME, to kiss his lats.  I was like, “Bitch, the only thing I’m going to be kissing is your face with the back of my hand!”  Yeah, I know, it didn’t make sense and was kind of gay, but Zeus thought I was crazy, so he backed off.  From then on, we were boys.  We text every now and then, but he prefers to gchat…

Right, back to the gym.  So I was doing my 4th set of bent rows when, out of the corner of my eye, I see this guy walk into the gym.  The sun was hitting the front door, so I could only see his outline and the warm glow of the winter sun behind him.  I thought nothing of it except the figure appeared to be jacked.  Naturally, I wasn’t that impressed since I could just look in the mirror and see jackedness if that’s what I wanted to see.  I banged out 6 more reps of PR weight.  My lats were feeling the pump!

Done with my bent rows, I went to get a drink of water at the fountain (Hydration is important kids).  Bent over at the fountain, I felt someone all up in my space.  Preparing to exchange some harsh words, I stood up and before I could get out a “Step off, bitch”, I saw Bill “Bad Ass” Clinton standing behind me! “Whoa, Bill Clinton?”, I said. In his raspy voice, he was like “I was the dude that came into the gym that you couldn’t take your eyes off of while you were doing your weak ass bent rows…you want to take a picture, it would last longer!”.  Then he added, sarcastically, “Nice lats, bitch!”

Wow, Bill “BA” Clinton punked me!  I was like, “Whoah, first, step off, Bitch! In America, we enjoy personal space…” Then I was like “Second, how did you get all jacked?! Show me the way to ultimate lats!”

Bill responded, “You’re such an assclown, but I have nothing better to do, so whatev…”  Then he added, “Don’t look at me in the eyes!”  I was cool with that.

Bill was wearing gray sweatpants with the tight elastic ankles.  His white socks were pulled over the sweatpants most likely to prevent the sweatpant legs from riding up when he was kicking ass or to show off the sweet yellow and green stripes on the socks.  He had on a gray sweatshirt (a different shade of gray than the sweatpants) that said “Bitches be Crazy!” on it that he probably obtained on one of his diplomatic trips while president.  To top off the look, he was wearing a red headband which made us look pretty sweet together as I had on my rainbow headband (as always).  I think that’s why he took an interest in my lats.

Anyway, he led me to the cable pulldown station and in a matter of fact tone, was like, “cable pulldowns, bitch.”  He proceeded to pull the rack.  I asked him, “Hey Bill, do you need a spot?”  To which he looked at me puzzled and then with his forefinger pressed against his thumb like he does when making a speech, he said, “Bitch, you don’t spot on a cable station…pathetic…”

Bill “Bad Ass” Clinton, you rule!

* Disclaimer – It was not actually Bill Clinton, but the guy looked exactly like him and he responded when I yelled “Hey, Bill!”, but did not respond to my yelping noises.

 

 

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The Rippedness is Gone? April 24, 2010 1 Comment

So as you are aware, it has been awhile since my last post.  I’ve been away, traveling the world, regulating bitches, and preaching about basking in my reflective glory.

It’s been a fun few months, but then a few days ago, my world was shaken to the core.  You see I was in Baltimore aka the worst place on Earth strolling around the inner harbor when a couple of street toughs approached me with a sack of doorknobs.  I was fully expecting them to inquire about my greatness and how they too could one become as great as me.

To my surprise, one of them was all, “Hey Fatty McButterpants! Do you want a cookie?” and they began to toss double stuff oreo’s in my direction.  The only possible solution was to lift up my shirt, reveal the rippedness and eloquently respond “Does this look fat to you bitch?”

This time the unthinkable happened.  The street tough with the oreos responded, “yes, that does look fat!”

In disbelief I ran over to the water’s edge, shirtless, and peered into the reflection of my non-ripped body.  A single tear ran off my cheek, splashing into the water causing a rippling effect on the image of my non-ripped body as the double stuff oreos rained down from behind.  I was no longer ripped.  Of course, I was not fat like 95% of people, but no longer ripped.  It was a crushing blow.

I sashayed around for hours that night wondering where it all went wrong.  Maybe it was all the restaurants I had eaten at.  Maybe it was the lack of exercise over the past four months.  I couldn’t find the answer so I headed to the CVS and got myself a snickers bar to drown my sorrows.

As I dramatically lifted the snickers to my mouth, out of nowhere a 8 year old came running up to m (in slow motion) yelling, nooooo.  He dove towards me, knocking the snickers out of my hand before I could eat it.  I was like, “wtf, bitch!”  He was all, “you used to be my hero!  I basked in your reflective glory!”  I was like, wow, “that’s f-d up on so many levels”, but the kid got his point across.  Snickers bars are for fatties and so I began to make preparations for the re-rip!

Phase I:  Trim the fat

Phase II: Bulk up

Phase III: Bask in the reflective glory

The quest begins again!  This time it’s going to be Rocky IV style…no mercy!

PS: What I learned from my travels:

Best place on Earth: Boise, Idaho, yes Idaho

Worst place on Earth: Baltimore, Maryland…ugh, you suck…

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Tunacorn (and Loch Ness) are Real! November 21, 2009 1 Comment

It’s hard work being awesome all the time, so this weekend since the weather was nice, I decided to relax and do some fishing at my favorite fishing hole, the Delaware River.

Since I do not have a boat or fishing equipment, I would have to rely on my awesomeness to catch the fish.  I stood on the shore and centered my chi.  Sufficiently centered, I yelled out, “Hey Fish!  I am so much more ripped than you!  Present yourself and bow down to my greatness!”.

Not to my surprise, a few seconds later, the freakin’ Loch Ness monster jumped out of the water.  That bitch was huge.  He was like, “What up?”.

Slightly surprised that I was face to face with the Loch Ness monster, I was all, “I thought you lived in Scotland, not the Delaware River?”

Loch Ness, with surprising foulness retorted, “Bitch, you got all stupid up in here”.

Hearing this, I made a fist and was prepared to punch Loch Ness in the head as he would provide me with protein for years.  Being an environmentalist, I thought I would confirm with Loch Ness before killing him.  I asked, “How much protein does a serving of you contain?”

He was like, “Bitch, like 5 grams”.

Impressed that he knew his own protein content, I let him live.  He flipped me off as he slinked back into the Delaware, but I’m pretty sure he recognized my awesomeness.

That was exciting, but my day wasn’t over.  I needed to get me some protein, so I yelled out, “Hey bitches!  Present yourself!”.  Seconds later, the greatest thing I had ever seen in my life jumped out of the river right next to me.  It was a Tunacorn!  I had heard the legends of the mythical beast, but never actually believed it existed.

tunacorn

He turned to me and said “Good Day to You” in a snooty English accent.  Not wanting to let this one get away, I picked up a discarded milk container from the piles of garbage strewn on the shores of the Delaware River and clocked Tunacorn in the head.  He was like, “Not Cool Old Chap” and then he died.  I immediately gutted him and feasted on the tuna and corn innards.  Mmm…so much protein!

You may not be awesome enough to find your own Tunacorn, but you can replicate the Tunacorn experience with the following recipe:

1) 1 can albacore tuna

2) 1 can corn

3) Open can of tuna, drain

4) Open can of corn, drain

5) Combine into bowl…adding anything else is an insult to the Tunacorn

6) Eat the perfect meal…visually pleasing to the eye, taste buds, and muscles

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Pump up the Jam! November 3, 2009 2 Comments

Today was one of those days.  People hassling me at work wanting me to do stuff.  C’mon people, I’m on a quest, I don’t have time for your petty “forms” and ‘procedures”.  When I got home, I was tired and it was squat night.  What was someone on a quest to do??  Sit at home and be a bitch, eating Tootsie Rolls and watching reruns of The Office??  No!  My brain, Santos, was all like, “Don’t be a bitch, bitch!”  I was all, you’re right Santos, I won’t be a bitch tonight and not only that, I’m going to hit a squat PR and then kill you later by huffing glue. 

So it began!  Like a knight heading into battle, I had to equip myself with the right gear to hit the PR.  Phase I, socks, red and yellow striped, pulled up to the knees.  Phase II, gray t-shirt revealling just enough belly button.  Phase III, shorts, crotch lower than legs for ultimate comfort, Phase IV, open closet, look away from blinding light, after 5 seconds, look back towards closet and select headband from headband rack.  Like there is any decision to be made…it has to be the rainbow headband! I was ready for the gym!

I pulled to the gym.  There was one more thing I needed.  I reached into the glove compartment of my car and pulled out a dusty tape titled “CB’s Mix Tape”.  This is what I would need to  put me over the top… Rainbow Headband + Mix Tape = Unstoppable!

As I opened the door to the gym, I noticed a cloud of fog greeted me.  Perhaps they knew today was going to be a special day and rolled out the fog machine.  Strange choice for the gym.  The gym was crowded though, but I didn’t notice.  I was focused on the quest. 

Duran Duran

I went straight to the counter and handed the tape to the gym manager.  “Put this in, bitch!”    Oddly enough, they had a tape deck.  I went straight to the squat rack and put on more weight then I thought was possible.  As I prepared to lift, the most awesome sound ever started blasting on the loud speakers…yes…Duran Duran… Rio.  I was pumped!!  I envisioned myself squatting on a yacht in the riviera wearing a white suit, pink t-shirt, and docksiders…the way squatting should be done.  Apparently, I entered a trance of ultimate pump.  All of a sudden I was on the floor with the weight on top of me surrounded by onlookers.  One guy was like, “you just did 6 reps of gym record weight!  You, sir, are a god among men!”  I looked back at him and had two words…”Duran Duran”… then I added a third…”bitch!”…

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Gym Encounter with Charles S. Dutton August 9, 2009 2 Comments

charles_s_dutton

So I go to the gym today and I’m in the locker room.  It’s me and some Charles S. Dutton (CSD) type character in the room.  This is CSD in his prime though.  Looked to be about 250 lbs of pure rippedness.  He looks over at me and starts laughing.

He’s like, “So you’re on a quest for Ultimate Rippedness”.

I was like, “Cool out, Charles S. Dutton, I’m just starting”.

So, he’s all, “It’s cool, bitch, I remember when I started my quest back in the day.  You think I was a Charles S. Dutton looking mofo 15 year’s ago??  Hell no, bitch!  I was just like you and now look at me, a bad ass Charles S. Dutton look-a-like.”

So, I’m like, “What’s your secret?”

He responds, “Two words… Calisthenics…push ups and pull ups”.

“OK”, I say, “Calisthenics is one word and you suck”.

He got all roid-raged and lunged at me.  I think he wanted a piece.  I slipped out of his way and was like, “I’m flattered, but I don’t swing that way.”

Lesson learned…if you see someone that looks like Charles S. Dutton, you run the other way because there is some totally heinous stuff coming your way.

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QUR Hall of Rippetude – Crosby the Mailman August 8, 2009 2 Comments

For today’s edition of the Hall of Rip, I am going to induct the most badass mailman that ever lived…Crosby. Let me tell you a story from my youth (wavy lines…).

mailmanIt was a nice spring day. The sun was out, the clouds were fluffy, the birds were chirping. Who knew my life would change forever that day. I was around thirteen, playing basketball in my friend’s driveway with three of my friends after school.

I was dominating as usual, but that doesn’t really need to be said. About 30 minutes into the game, out of the corner of my eye, I saw the mail truck arriving which was oddly gangsta-fied for a USPS truck, but I thought nothing of it.

A few minutes later, the mailman pulled up to the curb where we were playing. Out came a guy who looked just like Roc (come one, Charles S. Dutton people) complete with mail shorts, sunglasses, and that crazy straw hat that mailmen are prone to wear on hot days.

As he approached, he dropped his mailbag and yelled to my friend, “Pass me the rock, yo!”. My friend passed him the ball. He pointed to my other friend, Karabell, and said, “D-Up, bitch!”. I thought that was odd language for a mailman interacting with some kids, but nonetheless, Karabell, stood in front of him in a defensive stance.

What happened next was the greatest moment in my youth. The mailman faked left with the ball and then with an explosion blew past Karabell, got to the rim, and laid down a thunderous two handed dunk. As he hung on the rim, thrusting his crotch into my friend’s face repeatedly, we all looked at each other in amazement.

The mailman was done dominating us. He picked up his bag and delivered the mail. As he was heading back to his truck, we asked him, “hey, what’s your name?” He responded, “Crosby, bitch” and left. We never saw Crosby again.

I wonder what Crosby is up to today? I’m sure he died in a blaze of glory at a sweet 2000 New Year’s party, but we’ll never really know.  Anyway, Crosby, welcome to the QUR Hall of Rip…

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Clifbars are for Douchebags July 6, 2009 No Comments

So I was in Wegmans the other night (yes, Wegmans is for douchebags, I hate them, but I will save that rant for another time and no, my being there does not make me a DB since my awesome rays counteract their DB radioactivity) and I saw this ragged hippie looking fellow in the protein bar aisle looking at the nutrition facts, stroking his chin, and generally being a Wegmans-style douchebag (WSDB).

I approached this WSDB and was going to have a logical re-education session regarding the lameness of protein bars when he decided to not move his cart out of the way as I meandered down the aisle.  Since I have not achieved Ultimate Rippedness, I forgave him for not basking in my reflective glory, but common courtesy is to move your cart.

So I did as any future Quester would do, I picked up a box of Clif Builder bars and rained blows down upon his head.  As he lay on the floor half conscious, I took out piece of paper and wrote down the following recipe which I  proceeded to crumble and throw in his face:

  • 1 Cup Ground Quaker Oats
  • 1 Scoop Vanilla Protein Powder
  • 1 Tablespoon All Natural Skippy Peanut Butter

Mix all together and then add water until cookie dough-like.  Mash into a bar.  Delicious with the following nutrition:

  • Carbs (Whole Grain): 30 grams
  • Protein : 24 grams
  • Fat (Healthy Unsaturated): 20 grams

Store bought protein bars are no better than a Snickers bar.  You’ll never get to Phase III eating that!

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QUR Hall of Rippetude – Sugar Bear July 3, 2009 1 Comment

The most bad-ass cereal spokesman ever, Sugar Bear achieved his Quest for Ultimate Rippedness…

sugar_bear

With the suave voice of Sterling Holloway, this wisecracking bear was cool. Not Mint Listerine cool – Dean Martin cool. And he had style. You could regularly see him in some sunglasses, and always wearing that blue turtleneck sweater which sometimes featured the words, “Vitamin Powered”. He knew what he wanted, and he took it. What he wanted was Sugar Crisp, and dammit you better get out of his way when he’s getting it… he really liked to break stuff.

First appearing in Linus the Lion-Hearted, a 60′s TV series, which was pretty much a weekly infomercial for Post Cereals, Sugar Bear ended up being one of the most badass cereal mascots ever. Sugar Bear was the icon for the first ever sweetened cereal: Post Sugar Crisp. Sugar Crisp later became known as Post Super Sugar Crisp, and then there was a variety called Post Super Orange Crisp, and finally today’s version, Post Golden Crisp.

Unfortunately, now that he’s pushing 40 years old, he’s really softened up. Back in the day, if someone tried to eat some of his cereal, he would unmercifully beat them down. The Sugar Crisp Fox, Sugar Crisp Snake, and Sugar Crisp Crook received regular beatings. His arch nemesis, the aged Granny Goodwitch didn’t get special treatment because she was an old lady – he’d even break into her place, steal the cereal, bust things up, bounce away (in a very un-bear-like manner), then start strutting.

Today, Post (owned by Kraft Foods) seems to completely deny the existence of Sugar Crisp Cereal in the US. They state on their web site that Golden Crisp has been around since 1949 and imply that it’s always been such. I did, however, find a reference to Sugar Crisp on their list of Canadian brands.

Thanks to random forum poster here

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And So It Begins… July 2, 2009 No Comments

Hello bitches.  I see you’ve found the site.  Well, la de da.  You were probably all…Where am I?  How did I get here?  What is the Quest for Ultimate Rippedness?  Well, grandpa, before you soil yourself from the magnetic rays of awesomeness emanating from your monitor, I’ll tell you about The Quest.

No, this isn’t some lame quest like solving world hunger or finding the holy grail.  This quest is about bodily rippedness and the attainment of such.  The Quest is simple.  It can be broken down into 3 phases:

  • Phase I – Achieve body fat < 8%
  • Phase II – Mass
  • Phase III – Bask in the reflective glory of my greatness

Once that is acheived, I will pretty much be unstoppable.  So much so, that people will be like, no way, that dude acheived ultimate rippedness and I’ll walk by pretending not to hear them, but they’ll see the glint in my eye and realize that I heard them, but I cannot acknowledge their existence which they’ll totally understand.

So I’m going to be ripped, what of it?  Well, since you found this site, you get the honor of following my progress and hearing my mega-awesome thoughts about stuff…

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